The madness that is the Eurovision Song Contest is over for 2009, and I did have a fun night watching it with a couple of friends. However I can’t say I was impressed by the musical “œuvre”. Here’s a short rundown of the evening from Moscow:

  1. Lithuania: Poor man’s Justin Timberlake only impresses with a piano that keeps on playing long after he stood up.
  2. Israel: Actually quite nice. Maybe a bit heavy on the “world peace NOW” and what is that giant zipper doing in her cleavage?
  3. France: OMG Patricia Kaas! OMG Patricia Kaas should fire her make-up artist asap!
  4. Sweden: Opera, really? That dress looks like a whole rare species of birds died for it.
  5. Croatia: seriously, no more sedatives for this guy – that “smile” is creppy!
  6. Iceland: okay-ish, but the dress is far from the promised waterfall – more like an accident with drapery.
  7. Greece: *cough*sogay*cough* At least someone has fun dancing around the stage. Music-wise very off the rack oriental pop.
  8. Armenia: the costumes reminded me of some kind of middle ages fair, the laser shots of The Matrix – strange mixture.
  9. Russia: oy veh, oy veh, it’s oh so sad. Probably would be touched more if I actually understood what she was so sad about…
  10. Azerbaidshan: gold body painting?! Another tragic example of a straight man who can’t dance for the life of him.
  11. Bosnia: how very… communist of you. Also, they totally stole Coldplay’s costumes, who in turn totally stole them from the Beatles.
  12. Moldavia: it looked a bit weird (Xena would be so proud!) but I actually quite like this music. My favourite since I have to choose.
  13. Malta: look who’s singing – again. Third time is not the charm for Chiara (what happened to her hair?!)
  14. Estonia: I suppose that’s mystical, with all the star signs and stuff. If violins at all, then this is it.
  15. Denmark:Ronan Keating wrote this – yes, sounds like any random Westlife song I ever heard. He has also sent his less talented, gay twin brother.
  16. Germany: oh dear God, silver spandex??? We hardly saw anything of Dita Van Teese which is a shame because she was the best thing on stage here.
  17. Turkey: hello 2006, only less well done. ‘Nuff said.
  18. Albania: nobody likes pantomimes! And what’s with the fetish guy in green latex? Also, she is only 16 max, shouldn’t she be in bed?
  19. Norway: apparently really everybody loved this. Well it ain’t bad but it’s not that mindblowingly good, either.
  20. Ukraine: ha! Ani Lorak in even more porn-y. Half-naked gladiators and suggestive hip movements make this a very dirty valentine.
  21. Romania: wood nymphs singing about getting drunk and frolicking – probably not.
  22. UK: this is it then, the big Andrew Llody Webber ballad – sounds like most of his musicals and inspires lots of bad puns with “time” because it goes on forever!
  23. Finland: uh? I though Switzerland didn’t make it, and yet there is a faux DJ Bobo assaulting us – boo!
  24. Spain: that’s bland to the point of blending into the stage. Really nothing special whatsoever.

My personal favourites are:

  1. Moldavia: because for once, I actually like the music
  2. Ukraine: yes, I like trashy music ;-)
  3. Estonia: she didn’t embarrass herself or anybody else, worth a lot!
  4. Norway: definitely catchy
  5. Portugal: good ol’ folk
  6. Israel: points for keeping a straight face.
  7. Iceland: if I ignore the dress, not bad at all.
  8. Azerbaidshan: despite the lack of rhythm also catchy.
  9. Turkey: ah well.
  10. France: it’s Patricia Kaas!